Looking for a chain reaction

"I was told to sling it in the bin then I thought of Turpin," she told me as I bridled at the proximity of the word 'bin' to 'Turpin'.

"I thought you might be able to find someone, somewhere who may want it back," said the 23-year-old.

I checked and checked but drew a blank with York Motor Club. Perhaps the wheels fell off.

If anyone out there feels they have a legitimate claim to this priceless piece of hand-crafted jewellery, they should ring me on 01904 653051 Ext. 335 and explain why.

Four hundred thousand pounds and it could be yours... for free!

u BAD news... Herbie doesn't ride again! The 79-year-old Letchworth pensioner and frequent visitor to York to see his niece got the grim news this week. Someone reported the long-time driver to the police for bumping into a parked car.

When the fresh-faced policeman came round to warn him he could be prosecuted, fined and asked to take another driving test, Herbie was horrified.

But not as much as the plod when Herbie said with disarming candour: "I can't remember hitting the car. I never heard a bump. I always turn my hearing aid off when I'm driving 'cos the sound of the engine gets on my nerves."

The policeman persuaded Herbie to get his old rust-bucket, which he affectionately calls Son, to the scrapyard to avoid the rigours of the law.

Herbie toyed with idea of having one last bash in the knackersyard bouncing off other beat-up bangers but wisely decided to leave the keys in the ignition and have his car removed by a pro.

Wise move, Herbie, from now you will have to let the train take the strain up York.

u HERE'S your last chance to win five super CDs in my Horrible Eyesores competition. A couple of weeks ago I featured my favourite York eyesore, the old garage at the bottom of Foss Islands Road just near Walmgate Bar and I asked you to send in yours. Entries have poured in and next Saturday I will show you the prize blot on York's landscape. So start writing and snapping, there's still time to win.

u IT'S sad but true, I am to technology what superstud York hairdresser Lawton Henry is to celibacy. But even I'm not as barmy as the woman who bought an Apple Macintosh computer and was shaken to the core three days later when the fizzin' bomb flashed up the on screen to signal a systems crash.

Panic-stricken, she hustled her family away from house before reporting the "bomb scare" to the shop where she bought the computer.

I'm told the shop assistant exploded with laughter.

u OUR Crime reporter David Wiles returned from holiday this week to learn an intruder had been living in his house while he was away.

The interloper had sneaked in even as he and his girlfriend were loading up their car to set off. The miscreant slept in David's bed and generally made a mess of the place.

The prowler was spotted at an upstairs window by a neighbour who immediately alerted the police, presumably to give them advance warning that he was going to "have a go" himself.

The prowler was really the neighbours' cat, aptly-named Sly.

The neighbour smashed an upstairs window to rescue the cat so David came home to even more chaos.

Luckily the cat-lover is also a joiner so he made good the damage free of charge.

This story of Sly, sneaky crime was far too big for our news pages so it is left to me to let the cat out of the bag.

u As the brave new world of the City of York Council's new cabinet system dawns, my spies at the Guildhall tell me that those stalwarts of local government machinery, the committee clerks, are to get a new name. They are now going to be known as "democracy officers".

u IN my never-ending pursuit of humorous snippets to make you smile, nay laugh, I have been scouring the adverts of as many newspapers as I can lay my hands on.

Here's just a selection:

The Northern Echo: Large trunk. Can be locked. Ideal for student storage.

Harrogate Champion Shopper: Invalid chair complete with lights, indicators and safety belt. Has substantial kerb-crawling facility.

Burnley Citizen: Wanted clean babies and small children's clothes. Will pay cash.

The Guardian: Skiing Verbier. Mixed parties in chalets bang on slopes, December 21.

Buckingham Advertiser: For sale - collapsible bed. Ideal for guests.

Manchester Evening News: Elsan toilet with one gallon sanitary fluid, used once, slightly damaged.

Sutton Herald: Electric carving knife, brand new, £4. Other baby toys at various prices.

Edinburgh Advertiser: Do you scratch your bottom in the bath? Have it re-glazed by professionals.

u WHAT's Your Poison is the title of new survey of 15 to 21-year-olds into drugs and alcohol in the Harrogate district.

Rob Hughes, chair of the Drugs and Alcohol Reference Group, said local information on the subject is 'poor and fragmented' and went on to add: "This is a welcome example of joint working involving a number of statutory and voluntary agencies..."

Wrong choice of word Rob, but so apt.

FARMERS throughout the country are feeling the pinch as superstores sell two-for-one packs of Dutch bacon and cheap imports of beef and lamb take their toll on profits. And the strong pound is giving these horny-handed sons and daughters of toil a severe threshing. So the picture of a rusty-red tank in a farmer's field just near Easingwold Golf Club, off the Stillington road outside York, restored my faith the British farmers' sense of satire. Tanks a bunch!