Helen Mead

They've been called "amazing," but, frankly, I'm sceptical about them... knickers that spell the end of the VPL (that's Visible Panty Line for those of you who are blissfully unaware of such vitally important matters).

Apparently, these elastic-free undies - called Scandy and made of a high-tech fabric called Tactel Aquator - feel like swimming trunks, but they give women a super-smooth look.

And, unveiled the same week, is the Nothing But Curves bra - formed like a deep V to create a push-up silhouette without padding.

I can't contain my excitement. But haven't we heard all this before? Half the knickers in my underwear drawer are heavy-duty, waist-high affairs which profess to give you a smooth behind. And they do if, like me, you wear trousers three sizes too big and large, voluminous circus tents that pass for skirts.

But, sadly if - like a good many women - you're size 14 and insist on wearing size ten ski pants, they don't hide so much as a goose pimple.

So far, all the photographs I've seen showing the new miracle knickers feature a slim model wearing a dress - which, although figure-hugging, is not in the same league as a clingy pair of leggings or tight jeans. This is the gear in which VPL reigns supreme.

It's about time we faced up to it - nothing short of spray-on pants will give that bare-buttock look everyone seems to covet: God knows why - I certainly wouldn't want people thinking I'd gone out in no knickers.

And anyway, weren't thongs and G-strings supposed to be the breakthrough in consigning the dreaded panty line to history?

I suppose people have come to their senses and realised that it's not all that pleasant a sensation, walking around with a piece of thread between your buttocks.

Likewise, who really wants to wear what sounds like a version of rubber pants under a sexy cocktail dress? Maybe in later life, when your bodily parts aren't performing quite as well as they have in the past. But as a young woman about town - particularly a single girl - there's no way you'd want to risk a night out in such top-of-the-range passion killers.

There are many areas of life in which scientific advancements can be made - but I think we've gone as far as we can with underwear.

What can you do with a bra that hasn't been done already? I remember that "Hello Boys," advertising campaign - was it for Wonderbra, Superbra, or Truly Amazing Mind-Blowing Bra?

Whatever the name, it was supposed to push them up and over like never before. Yet this new model promises to go further. It won't be long before we're faced with bras that bury our breasts under our chins.

Then there are the tights that can supposedly break down cellulite. I bought a pair once and they were so tight I felt like my legs had been trapped in a mangle. No doubt these will shortly be replaced with stockings that can whip a couple of inches off your thighs.

All these wonder clothes do is make you wonder why you forked out for them in the first place.

The Scandy knickers are not yet available in this country - they're a big hit in France - but when they do find their way on to the shelves, I certainly won't be persuaded.

And anyway, when you think about it, manufacturers have got it all wrong. While some women - in particular the squeeze-on ski pant brigade - could undoubtedly benefit from losing their VPL, which section of the British population most often displays it? Yes, that's right - men.

Look around you - offices, bars, clubs, shops - the country is rife with male VPL. It's blokes who need to stick trunks under their trousers, not us.

17/04/00

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Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.