Ray is egged on by chocolate

Ray Cardy, from teacher to chocolate maker

What better job for a self-confessed chocoholic than making chocolates? Former Hull teacher Ray Cardy, 47, got so cheesed off with all the new changes and paperwork being forced on his profession, first by Major's Government then Blair's, that he wrapped in his job, and went to New York to learn how to produce hand-made chocolate.

Now he produces toothsome truffles, made-to-order creations such as a chocolate lorry for a 60-year-old juggernaut driver, from his aromatic premises Monk Bar Chocolatiers in Goodramgate, York.

Ray, who says he still must have about four or six chocs a day or suffer "withdrawal symptoms", is busy making Easter Eggs into which he is happy to seal knickers, bras, engagement rings, Tornado fighter planes, round-the-world yachts or whatever takes the customer's fancy.

"My brother-in-law who also makes up-market, hand-made chocolate in New York helped get me started," says Ray. Then he and his wife Liz toured the Continent taste-testing some of their finest.

"Our product is top quality because we use only the finest cocoa and buttermilk blend," says Ray.

So if you're looking for an unusual chocolatey Easter gift there's no need to get your knickers in a twist.

My globetrotting mate Hughie who takes the odd tincture in The Shoulder of Mutton, Heworth Green, York, flew into a panic seconds before taking off from Manchester Airport to Amsterdam last Saturday.

The jet's doors were shut tighter than the Chancellor's pockets when over the loud speaker came these chilling words: "Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking and I welcome you aboard the 0715 flight to Milan..."

"Milan? Milan?" he gasped as beads of sweat began to form on what is normally a stiff upper lip. He rounded on the man in the next seat with: "Where are you going?" A split second later Hughie heard a loud, distraught voice three rows back asking a stewardess the same question. You could almost smell the anxiety as the captain came back with: "April Fool".

Yes, last Saturday was April 1.

This is a genuine e-mail sent to the Customer Service department of Nestle, makers of Smarties, by naughty Christopher Nameless. "My colleagues and I enjoy Smarties. So much so, our snack machine has to be filled with more tubes of Smarties than anything else.

"Some time ago, we started to collect the tops of the tubes to spell rude words and we have even held competitions for the longest and most original rude ones spelt with the letters available.

"Unfortunately we are having trouble creating new words and phrases because of a shortage of vowels. This is stifling the competitions and lowering our morale.

"Please help us progress by providing us with more vowels, especially the letter O. We have attempted to solve this problem ourselves by eating more Smarties, but appear to have accumulated quite a lot of the following letters in the process - K, Z and Q - without collecting very much else of use.

"I am sure you will agree that these are tricky letters."

While idling an hour a way on the Web, Richard Stansfield of Bulmer, near York, came across a very strange Australian site for military collectors where various nutters posted their wants such as: I need Panzer tank for my re-enactment group. Preferably low mileage on an H reg.

For a laugh he sent them his ad: "Wanted! SS man's piano. Must have original wires."

Ho, ho, ho he thought... that should get me a nasty reply from the loonies. But no. The e-mail from Oz flashed back:

"Just a quick note to let you know I have received your e-mail and will let you know when your ad has been placed on the Web site.

"If you don't receive a notification within 14-21 days that your ad has been placed, please let me know. As this is a free non profit web site, all the up-dating is done in my spare time.

Regards, Grant Napier, etc, etc, South Australia.

PS: We are currently building a new web site. Any suggestions you may have would be appreciated. No doubt you could think of a suggestion or two."

Richard told me "Yes, I certainly could and Napier wouldn't like them one dot com!"

Sometimes the Web is a weird place...

Here are some genuine GCSE answers from last year's exam papers.

"Monotony means being married to the same person for all your life."

Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

"Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face..."

What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?

"Nelson's Column"

Who did not like the return of the prodigal son?

"The fatted calf"

Name the four seasons

"Salt, mustard, pepper, vinegar"

What changes happen to your body as you age?

"When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental"

What is a co-operative?

"It's a kind of shop that is not as dear as places like Marks and Spencer"

Gossip can be e-mailed to Turpin at features@ycp.co.uk

08/04/00

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.