Gift ideas for jammy rich

Ever since the very first Christmas, exasperated gift-buyers have been asking the same question: what do you get for the person who has everything? This even stumped the Three Wise Men, until they stumbled across a Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh-Mart on the Bethlehem ring road. What a godsend.

These days the question is all the more pressing because so many people have everything. Alongside the nouveau riche and the hereditary rich are what we might term the "jammy rich": lottery millionaires, pools millionaires, Virgin radio millionaires, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire millionaires (still rare), and Railtrack bosses.

Apply a little imagination and it is soon possible to think of the ideal present for the terminally wealthy. For example you may be wondering what to send to that golden couple, the Earl and Countess of Wessex. The obvious answer is a one-way ticket to the States, a land so open-minded that it even accords Prince Edward some respect.

Alternatively, a High Dudgeon would be welcome, so the couple could flounce off in it at regular intervals.

Rock stars can be difficult to please. For Mick Jagger, a 50,000-piece 3D jigsaw of York Minster would help keep his hands safely occupied in the evenings. Old Lycra lips might see fit to invite Rod Stewart over to help him out.

Younger pop singers who, for some embarrassing reason, are not yet courting a media or sports star would be thrilled by a subscription to the Max Clifford Celebrity Dating Agency. Zoe is hitched to Fat Boy and Denise Van O is sorted with Jay Kay - but what about those clean-cut chart-toppers Westlife? It would be the work of a moment for

Max to fix them up with the cast of Victoria Wood's Dinnerladies. Then he could introduce Simply Red's Mick Hucknall to the newly-available Vanessa Feltz - what an unassuming couple; and pair Chris Evans with whichever young actress/singer/supermodel has tickled his ginger fancy this week.

Footballers are easier to buy for. A bucket of cheap aftershave, a subscription to Loaded magazine and a gross of Strawberry Hooch will keep most of them happy. But if you want a gift that would fill the Manchester United strike force with uncomprehending wonder, mail them a copy of the Highway Code.

Kevin Keegan, meanwhile, would appreciate the Collins English-German Football Managers Phrasebook, containing handy translations for: "Are any of your players under 6ft tall, Herr Coach?"; and "Please could you tell me the name of Germany's number one migraine cure".

Politicians are much harder to impress. They spend all their lives getting freebies, and so don't understand the concept of Christmas. But you can never go wrong with hard cash, especially in used notes in used envelopes.

Alternatively, try a novelty gift. The newest New Labour MP, Shaun Woodward, might be impressed by a reversible jacket: he is a turncoat after all. For two top Tories, head to the furniture showroom. Steven Norris would appreciate a nice, roomy cupboard to tidy away all those skeletons; and Michael Portillo has been wishing for months he had a closet to go back into.

Finally you reach the very top names on your Christmas list: President Tony Blair and First Lady Cherie. With their forthcoming happy event in mind, why not send them a Congratulations On Sacking John Prescott musical ashtray?

Or maybe offer to help out with next year's trickiest policy decision by popping a book of baby's names through the Number 10 letterbox. Be sure it includes: Tony Jnr, Woodward, John Fitzgerald, Alastair, Peter, Becks, Alex, Shearer, Bernie, Sainsbury, Gerry, Noel, Liam, Damien, Paddy, Ringo, Margaret, Hillary, Chelsea, Islington and

Posh; but Tipp-Ex over Robin, Gordon, Jack, Ken, Neil, Roy, Teddy, Anthony Wedgewood, Mo, Clare, Ann, Nye and Karl. Happy wrapping.

If you have any comments you would like to make, contact Chris Titley directly at chris.titley@ycp.co.uk

01/12/99

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.