Get your fax right and spare blushes

A fax popped on to the Evening Press sports desk and had the team hopping up and down thinking they'd been tipped off about a new multi-million pound signing by York City.

Cheers turned to chuckles when they read sheet one carefully.

It was addressed to the Benefits Agency, 11-17 Monkgate, York. It had been sent by a posh London-based direct marketing agency checking out an unemployed artistic gent.

The big city agency projects the business images of high-profile, blue-chip firms such as Marks & Spencer so it should be expected to at least to dial the correct fax number.

It didn't. That's why I know the average wage of this job-seeking arts director is £3,040.83 a month before tax.

That he was paid £4,079.87 before deductions when he got his cards and coppers. Instead of going to the Benefits Agency on 01904 682239 five pages of personal details ended up with the sports squad on 01904 628239.

Would you want this firm to market your interests? Artless, I call 'em. Still on jobs here's a piece of brain-bending insight.

A press release issued by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation - which trumpets itself as 'The UK's Largest Independent Social Research and Development Charity' - is headed: Continuing Jobs Shortage is Key Reason For Unemployment In Cities. Well! I defy anyone to find fault with this logic as they shuffle towards the front of the dole queue.

But, to be fair, the urban jobs gap report by the University of Glasgow does go on to say it's not just poor skills nor lack of motivation that has cost our 20 biggest cities 500,000 jobs since 1981. It calls for a programme of urban regeneration.

Presumably then they will put out the statement: More Jobs Mean More People In Work.

Even if you're lucky enough to be in a job, bosses can be viperish when it comes to evaluating your performance.

How would you like to be on the receiving end of these vicious barbs from an international firm after your next appraisal?

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot

This young lady has delusions of adequacy

She would argue with a signpost

It's hard to believe that he beat one million other sperm

She brings a lot of joy whenever she leaves the room

If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change

To balance the account tell me what you think of your bosses. No names, no P45s... but a chance to get your retaliation in first. Send your wittiest appraisal, along with your name and address, to Dick Turpin. Five free hardback books worth more than £70 to the writer of the funniest line. Closing date for entries is next Thursday.

Flush 'n' blush... Advert in the Evening Press Household Items section: 'Royal Doulton toilet, pedestal basin and shower tray in blue, can be seen in use and delivered in ten days - £45 ono. Tel...'

As tears rolled down my cheeks I rang on the off chance... A bubbly Chris Bell answered and began extolling the charms of the Doulton suite.

Revealing myself, but keeping on the mask for reasons of decorum, I read exactly what her ad said, including the 'can be seen in use,' and asked if she'd had any inquiries? "No," came the reply, followed by " 'can be seen in use' is probably why."

She laughed until she was Doulton blue in the face and said: "Well, I'm prepared to wash my hands in the basin to show it's in good working order."

At the risk of turning this into a lonely parts column, the Stockton-on-the-Forest charmer says she's an ex-model, size ten, with blonde hair and blue eyes. I would add: great sense of humour and fine taste in bathroom fittings. Whoah, steady on Bess!

The Cats Protection League is as keen as mustard when it comes to fundraising. When it holds its open day in the village hall North Duffield from 3pm to 5pm next Saturday there will be a craft stall, bring-and-buy sale and the chance to tuck into... hot dogs!

Tiny sticker on the side of the pillion seat of highly-powered, sugar-off-a-shovel Italian motorbike: 'Passengers are requested to refrain from shouting, crying or falling off this vehicle while in motion.' The York pillion-her attached to the bike said: "Scared? Me? "I'm over the vroom!"

I Malone (Unattached) came third of 394 runners in the 17th annual Tadcaster 10 mile run. The event was won by N Cayton (Bingley Harriers). I still wish I Malone had finished first - or even last - to live up to his name.

01/06/99

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.