Why can't we be more civilised?

Scholars have yet to coin a satisfactory definition of the "civilised society".

I have two suggestions that may help. Firstly, a civilised society is one that has the courtesy to consult an up-to-date map before it drops bombs on a neighbouring city.

Apologising after your mistaken massacre is simply not enough.

Nato's official remorse after it bombed Belgrade's Chinese embassy was little more than an insult.

Anyway, when you've said sorry for bombing that train, sorry for bombing that refugee convey, sorry for bombing that television station, sorry for bombing that bus, and sorry for bombing all those residential areas, people begin to question the sincerity of your declarations of regret.

My second definition of a civilised society is one where people refrain from leering openly at complete strangers in public.

Disappointingly, we also fail to meet this basic standard. This week it emerged that a female student at York University has filed a complaint of sexual harassment after builders made lascivious comments at her.

Why is it always builders who are unable to keep their libidos covered up in public? You never hear of park keepers shouting "phwoarr" at women sunbathers, or traffic wardens asking female motorists to "give us a flash, luv."

In fact most builders, in my experience, are civility itself. It is just a hardy strain of foul-mouthed construction workers who revel in publicly humiliating women.

Where have they come from? Did they escape from a secret government laboratory?

Is the answer to their rampant misogyny found in a rogue gene - or in their rogue jeans?

Whatever the answer, the world has moved on and they have not. Twenty years ago, brutish sexism and racism was dished up as prime time television entertainment.

Thanks to a movement which has become derisively known as political correctness, it is now considered almost unacceptable.

I hope York University is successful in stamping it out on campus. That would be a step towards a civilised society.

In showbiz terms, "corpsing" describes the act of collapsing into giggles while on stage.

Thanks to the British Academy awards, it might usefully be redefined as the act of becoming posthumously honoured.

Death stalked the television gong show. It began with a minute's silence for murder victim Jill Dando, who was to have co-presented the Baftas with Michael Parkinson. T

hen two of the most prestigious awards went to absent friends. Dermot Morgan, who took the title role in the sublime Channel 4 comedy Father Ted, won best comedy performance. It was one of those awful ironies that he died the moment he finally received the popular acclaim his talent deserved.

Tragedy can be all about timing, too. And Morecambe and Wise were awarded academy fellowships. It struck me as odd that it took so long for the finest comedy partnership Britain has ever produced to be recognised in this way.

After all, Eric died 15 years ago. This left me with the suspicion that the academy decided to wait until Ernie was reunited with his old partner before announcing their fellowship.

Someone should tell the awards committee that the Baftas are not TV's equivalent of the George Cross.

York City are in football's basement, and a damp and dingy old place it is too.

The names of next season's opponents read like a list of It's A Knockout quarter finalists: Barnet, Hartlepool, Peterborough.

Well done to the Lord Mayor for speaking for every City fan when he said that the club's ambition had died some time ago.

Chairman Douglas Craig rebutted Coun Smallwood's comments by saying "we are being relegated with sufficient financial backing to remain viable".

How uplifting. At this rate, City will be the most financially viable club in the Unibond League.

12/05/99

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.