Long poles give ladders brush-off

George Formby would be wringing his chammy in despair if he weren't already dead.

He would have sobbed to see crowds outside York's Coppergate centre craning their necks to marvel at the latest ladder-less, bucket-less window cleaning system.

Tony Lansbury and Stuart Hamill, staff at RM Window Cleaning in Haxby, were demonstrating new window cleaning technology on the centre's canopies. The new extending poles allow cleaners to reach to 60ft without a ladder in sight. Steve Thompson, manager of the company, says: "The system is basically very safe. They replace ladders, meaning that no-one has to climb up to high precarious positions.

"The poles reach parts that otherwise couldn't be reached."

The system does not use soap, just water pumped from a van, which can be up to 400ft away. For more info ring Steve on 01904 764557.

But remember, when Formby, the long-gone ukelele plucker, was cleaning windows he always managed to get an eyeful.

While touring Austria York's Stone Cold Sober rocker Garry Barrett - York's answer to Robbie Williams but with more money, talent and fans - finally decided to replace his holey cowboy boots.

Despite being a great fan of sole music he and band member Shaun McMullen decided to beat it to the local bootshop for two new pairs. Shod and shiny they got back to their lodgings and dumped the battered boots in a beat-up old sports bag and threw it to the back of a wardrobe.

Back in York superstar Gaz phoned his Austrian contact who promised to bring over any unsold Sober CDs and T-shirts on his next visit. This he duly did... along with the cast-off cowboy boots in that smelly old bag.

The National Railway Museum spares no effort to ensure visitors experience the reality of railway life. It even has trains that have mechanical breakdowns. A queue of children with adults were eagerly waiting to ride the miniature railway.

They waited and waited... just like real passengers on the real railways. Eventually one of the train crew appeared from behind a shrubbery where the miniature train had stopped and not restarted. He explained it "was a real train because it had a real mechanical breakdown." However, unlike the real railways, there was another train just about to depart.

A replica of the world's first engine, the Rocket, with a few third class trucks in tow, was filling up with passengers just a short step away. It was standing room only.

Talking trains, ever stood on the platforms of York Station straining your lugs to listen to a train announcer? Of course. On the London Underground they are thinking about using a sexy, breathy Marilyn Monroe-style voice inside of the mechanical, metallic woman's voice that grates on customers and Tube staff alike.

Train drivers call her Sonia because she "gets-Sonia nerves." I'd settle for Sonia in York, as long as I can hear her announce pearlers from the latest Top Ten Late Running Excuses like:

The train has been cancelled due to wheel rotation difficulties

The train has been cancelled due to mosquito infestation

Services have been delayed due to nude passengers on the line

The train has been terminated due to the fact the engine is about to blow up

You get the picture... but probably not the train. The music department at the University of York is noted for its avant-garde approach to the muse of harmony. Now Vanburgh College is preparing for a long night of classics... The Eurovision Song Contest.

No shame-faced crouching round a television with the curtains closed against prying eyes here. Party-goers at the college on May 29 will be able to see the great Euro-yawn on a big screen.

York's magistrates have even granted them a drinking hours extension... I fear for the sanity of our university students. I'd rather listen to Clive's Karaoke in the Waggon and Horses, Lawrence Street. Better beer.

You've done the job and now you are waiting to be paid. Don't hold your breath. A recent survey for the Better Payment Practice Group based in London has come with some bizarre gems of excuses for non-payment, including:

The owner has been buried with his chequebook

The chequebook was lost in the floods

I cannot make payment until the planets are aligned

All the names (of creditors) will go in a hat. If yours is pulled out you will get paid. If not, it will stay in the hat until next week

We're in the middle of an armed robbery

The director went for an operation and never returned as he went off with a nurse

Not now, it's the office party If you are having customer cash-flow problems ring the Better Payment Group on 0870 150 2500.

If it wasn't for bad luck Godfrey Machen, York's most unfortunate impresario and Turpin regular wouldn't have any.

The Wayfarers, Godrey's ill-fated band of thespians, have been forced to cancel their unseasonal production of Aladdin after two last-minute postponements: a case of the show must not go on.

The Wayfarers came tantalisingly close to performing Aladdin on March 26, only for two leading players to be indisposed at very short notice, including Aladdin, who was suddenly a lad out.

The panto was re-arranged and re-cast for performances on April 28 and 29.

But, only three of the cast turned up for the dress rehearsal, most of the rest had a stomach bug. Undaunted, Clive is now looking to set rehearsals for November or December. Seasonal after all. Oh yes it is!

08/05/99

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.