"THANK you for calling GrotDirect. My name is Mandy; how may I help you?"

At this point, do not put down the phone. It has probably taken around 15 minutes to get Mandy's undivided attention, 15 minutes during which you have dutifully pressed the star key twice then, having listened carefully to several menu options, key two (more options), key four (even more options) and key one (final options).

This is where the pop music starts. It's not very good pop music and, over a bad line, quickly becomes irritating.

However, it is a kind thought, as is the pleasant voice which breaks in every 30 seconds to assure you that your call is important to them and will be answered shortly.

After five minutes the voice tells you they are very busy (what a surprise!) and suggests you could call back later and waste even more time. Don't fall for this one. Stay in the queue.

Last week, I managed a two-course meal while pop music played on my loud-speaking telephone.

Fortunately it was an 0800 number so there was some consolation in the thought that they were paying.

The call was eventually answered halfway through the coffee. Success!

The above will be familiar to anyone who regularly telephones large organisations. I know of an insurance company and a computer manufacturer where it is quite impossible to speak directly to a department.

Deciding that further time-wasting was not for me, I requested their general administration numbers from Directory Inquiries.

These were full call rate numbers, but they plunged me straight back into the pop music circus.

In these days of advanced technology, it simply is not good enough to wait 15 minutes or more for a telephone to connect with a human being.

The attitude seems to be that, if an 0800 number is provided, it should not matter.

Well it does - time is important to the customer as well as to the company.

To top executives I say call your own help desk/client relations/customer service lines and if you have to wait more than a minute for Mandy to answer, do something about it.

Dr A H Brown,

Stonefield Avenue,

Easingwold,

York.

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.