Julian Cole

Gritty television programmes such as Prime Suspect are too gloomy for foreign tastes, according to the Department of Culture. The Culture Secretary, Chris Smith, advises broadcasters that they are missing out on sales abroad because the programmes they make are not cheerful enough.

As someone who finds cheerful television a cause of head-slapping irritation, I confess to being puzzled. Especially so as the report - Building A Global Audience - warns that foreign broadcasters found shows such as Prime Suspect "too dark" and "too gritty" compared with frothy Aussie soaps such as Home And Away.

There is much to ponder in this report, through which Mr Smith aims to tell the television industry how to boost sales abroad. Is Mr Smith suggesting that Britain should be making empty vessels of cheerful noises such as Home And Away? And why, if foreign broadcasters are wary of gritty programmes, did Cracker prove to be such a successful export? I don't remember many gladdening chuckles in Cracker, though at its best it was excellent TV. And brimming with gloom, too.

Two of the other cited successes are Teletubbies and Mr Bean, both of which testify to the extreme dangers of cheerfulness. British nature and science programmes sell well abroad, but too many dramas are "too dark or too socio-political", according to the report. If I could work out what "socio-political" meant, I might well argue with the last part of that sentence.

Another oddity is this: Britain is already the second largest exporter of television programmes after the United States, though it is true that we import more than we sell.

But perhaps the biggest conundrum of all is: should the Government be telling broadcasters what sort of programmes to make?

After all, you wouldn't expect the Culture Secretary to advise the record industry on the CDs it should be recording. And it seems unlikely that Mr Smith climbs up into writers' garrets to check they are writing books that foreigners will lap up ("Yes, yes - a spot of sexual angst... the French will really go for that"). Theatre, too, gets by without a nagging nudge from Mr Smith, and many West End productions end up on Broadway.

The British film industry, or the global conglomerate that passes for it, has occasionally to suffer interest from concerned governments that wish to improve something they seem not to understand. And now it seems to be television's turn.

The Department of Culture seems to be missing an even bigger point. British television programmes are made to be shown here first. That's why the industry is called broadcasting and not abroadcasting.

A church in Essex has been reprimanded by the Advertising Standards Authority for an advertisement that claimed a miraculous cure had occurred during one of its services. No proof, cried the authority - and the church was forced to withdraw its advertisement.

Just imagine if Jesus had had to put up with such strictures...

"Well, Mr Christ, this authority finds that there is no proof to substantiate your so-called miracles. Where are these loaves and fishes that reputedly fed the five thousand? We would also like to be shown the exact stretch of water on which you say you walked. As for this water you turned into wine, the members of this board have searched the shelves of Oddbins and have been unable to turn up a single bottle. Can you explain yourself?

"We are also concerned by the case of Mr Lazarus, who was dead and then was not. We have looked through the small-print in our own private health insurance forms and can find no allowance for such a miracle. What physical evidence do you have to prove that Mr Lazarus was indeed dead?"

15/04/99

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.