Well, who else d'you expect?

An aptly-named construction company is carrying out work at York Cemetery. Mourners at the graveyard have been raising their eyebrows at signs announcing the contractors on site are Graves Construction.

Cemetery warden Bill Shaw says: "It is quite a appropriate to have that name. They came a couple of years ago to build a toilet block and now they are back to fit new drains in the chapel. Many people asked if it was serious and I have told them it most certainly is. Who else would be working in a cemetery but Graves Construction? Any other name would just not be conducive."

The company won the contract through a process of competitive tendering.

I Write this at great risk of being drummed out of the Dishonourable Order of Highwaymen, Footpads and Scallywags.

I want a necklace returned to it's rightful owner... aptly called Jade, an Aussie web designer working in Leeds for William Hill Online.

She lost it in Henry's Bar, Leeds, where she got chatting to a bunch of lads on a work's night in the city on Easter Saturday night. Some worked in Leeds, the others in York. Along with her girlfriends, Jade was standing talking to a friendly, hunky Yorkie, a "well-dressed lad with dead straight dark brown hair, short back and sides.

"He was jokingly mocking my accent. He knows my name is Jade and that I work at William Hill I dropped my purse and the necklace could have fallen off as I picked up my money. I would like him to get in touch with me even if he didn't see anything of the necklace." Jade had been given it earlier the same evening by an elderly aunt. "It is silver antique with marcasite, little diamond-like shapes, in it."

If you can help call Jade on 0113 291 2187 or e-mail her on jademacca@hotmail.com

The Lord Mayor of York, Councillor Derek Smallwood, obviously had a wonderful time rubbing shoulders with the celebs at a Frankie Howerd memorial event.

The man whose jovial manner and photogenic grin are often seen in the pages of the Evening Press looked especially jolly as he posed with Andrew Sachs, Jimmy Cricket and Tom O'Connor at the unveiling of a plaque in honour of the late great comedian outside the Grand Opera House. As he hurried off to take advantage of his second star-studded meal of the weekend, however, Coun Smallwood had time to express his fears about his own comedic skills. "It has been terrific, they have been really good to me," he said.

"But I told one or two jokes at the dinner last night and apparently they are going to get their own back on me later."

Pensioners all over the city will be jingling their bus tokens with glee at the news that Dave 'Blackie' Black is back behind the wheel of his limousine.

Turpin last caught up with the peak-capped chauffeur as he gaily drove home in a minibus after delivering six elderly passengers to an Acomb day centre.

He only realised the next day that he was expected to return to take them home. Blackie will be hoping for no such mishaps tonight. He is whisking the family of Prince Naseem Hamed to Manchester to watch the boxer defend his world featherweight crown against Scarborough contender Paul Ingle. The Prince has been a regular client for Blackie's Dunnington-based Luxury Limousines (or should it be limo-seem?)

This is the fourth time the familiar white stretch has been hired for world boxing championship duty.

Naseem has made a few enemies down the years, but our Blackie won't hear a word against the in-your-face fighter.

"He's absolutely sound once you get to know him," he said, before informing Turpin of the pugilist's penchant for unreported charity work.

As for local boy Ingle's chances, he is not hopeful. "Naseem to win in five rounds," said Blackie. "Put your mortgage on it."

Don't forget to pick up the Prince's family after the big fight, Dave or you could be in for a Blackie eye.

Oh Henry, you've done it again. Retired Major General Henry Woods, who once commanded the Army's North East District from York's Imphal Barracks, got his notes in a twist at a ceremony involving the Duke of York recently.

As chairman of the Duke of York's Community Initiative, General Woods was on stage announcing the order of proceedings at a charter award ceremony. He was interrupted by a voice calling from centre stage: "Henry, oh Henry." It was the alert Duke reminding him that he had missed out two important parts of the proceedings. "Oh, have I done it again, your Highness?" wailed Henry.

"We have this every year," tutted the good-natured Duke.

York is a city of toffs. Down-to-earth denizens of the greatest little city in the North may pride themselves on their working class roots but new evidence uncovered by this esteemed chronicle of record reveals an uncharitable streak.

Among the 66 objections from members of the public received by City of York Council to a current planning application to build 23 "affordable" homes in Acomb, one in particular stood out.

It said, with all the subtlety of a buzz saw: "Any affordable accommodation is objected to."

Turpin had been looking forward this week to seeing Bloody Richard, a new version of Shakespeare's Richard III, another great man to meet a grisly end.

Alas, the York Arts Centre received notice from actor Simon Black saying he would no longer be performing his play in York "due to being let down by the cast". That could happen to anyone, except that Bloody Richard was billed as an "abridged solo performance".

And the date of the letter?

April Fools' Day.

DEFINING MOMENT

Pessimist: A man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street - Robert Lowell

10/04/99

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.