Toilets can be lost in the translation

Today, I'm going to come clean. I'm going to share my thoughts on British bathrooms.

First, let's be clear about our terminology. In the States, "bathroom" doesn't mean the room which has the bathtub (or perhaps only a shower), but the room which contains the toilet.

When Americans say: "May I use your bathroom?" they aren't asking you to run the tub. It's our euphemism for your direct, "I have to use the toilet".

Toilet is a word we don't use in polite company. It's taken me two years to become even partly comfortable with saying it, after graduating through the intermediate stage of "loo".

Most US bathrooms combine toilet, sink and shower/bathtub all in one multifunction room (forget the bidet - we don't understand it either).

Some homes have a separate "powder room" with wash basin and toilet only.

But before arriving in the UK, I'd never encountered the arrangement of one room with tub and wash basin and a second room with toilet.

Although I can appreciate the convenience of separating the bathtub and the toilet, which allows two individuals to have a go at the same time, why is the wash basin in with the tub?

I've never felt the need to wash my hands after bathing.

While we're on the subject of bathtubs, you probably know that Americans overwhelmingly prefer showers to baths.

Three years ago while finalising plans to attend York University, I was informed that did I wish to apply for university housing, they could not guarantee shower facilities - unless bathing was against my religious beliefs.

I considered converting (to what faith I didn't ask) before finally opting for a flat on the private market.

That's when I encountered the electric shower. What a concept! My first reaction was that this had some unpleasant relationship to the electric chair, only standing up.

What it turned out to be was a small step above the pathetically weak - but standard issue - UK dribble shower.

The latter begs the question, Why can't a low-altitude country have more water pressure?

And, why is the only socket allowed in British bathrooms the one for an electric razor?

Highly sexist. Men can have a provision to shave, but women can't use a hair dryer in front of the mirror?

Tsk, tsk. You'll say that it has to do with the danger of mixing electricity and water. Have you so soon forgotten the electric shower?

If it's truly dangerous, then why is it acceptable to have as many as four pull cords dangling in the bathroom, one each for light, extractor fan, heater, and electric shower?

Shouldn't the controls for these be on the wall outside? Or, are you worried that some prankster will come along, switch them off, and plunge you into cold, foggy darkness with freezing water rushing over your body?

Finally, why can't the advanced civilisation that gave the world Shakespeare and John Cleese give us the single, mixed-water faucet in the wash basin?

Single faucets are virtually all you'll find in the States. You have the technology - I've seen these faucets in some bathtubs and kitchen sinks here.

Do you actually prefer racing to see if you can get your hands washed before the hot water scalds them?

Or, is there some primitive satisfaction gained by using a plug and watching the streams of water mix?

I know: it's like a bath for the hands! Truly amusing is the compromise of two taps seated next to each other on one side of the basin, like a married couple sleeping in twin beds.

No mixed water, please - we're British.

The one lavatorial area where you have us Yanks beat is in the provision of well-indicated public toilets ("rest rooms" in US parlance) in every city, town and village.

Even if they haven't seen a cleaning in months - and many haven't - at least they exist.

But, what's the deal with the waxed paper?

20/01/99

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.