Is there a remedy for spin doctors?

What a repulsive collection of insects those spin doctors are.

We thought we had seen the back of the celebrity press officer when Mrs Thatcher dragged Bernard Ingham down with her. It was a delight to see the back of his ill temper, stylised eyebrows and carefully-constructed Yorkshire persona. He's still boring for Britain, of course, on those London-based discussion shows which wheel him in to add 'regional colour'.

But compared to the new lot of posturing, self-promoting propaganda merchants, ruddy Bernard looks harmless. At least he knew his place - hanging on to the handbag strap of Nanny Thatcher. Labour's army of press aides seem keener to see their own pasty faces in the papers than promote the Government.

Alastair Campbell, chief henchman to the Prime Minister, is constantly trying to attract attention to himself. If he's not using ripe language during press briefings, our Al's trying to fix the BBC's news agenda by brute force.

Charlie Whelan is the latest disinformation officer to spin himself on to the front pages. Until last Thursday he was Gordon Brown's Goebbels. But he resigned after it was claimed he leaked the information that led to rival Peter Mandelson's downfall.

Whelan was ostensibly employed to help explain the Chancellor's economic policies to the public. Instead, he seemed to spend most of his time promoting Brown as a future Prime Minister and knifing his political opponents in the back.

Of course Whelan was meant to be a public servant, answering journalists' questions on our behalf. Instead the boys from the parliamentary press doted on him. They were only too willing to take his word - and print it. His rise to fame does not reflect well on my trade.

Someone with Whelan's size of ego could not cope without the press for long. Sure enough, there he was on the front page of The Mirror last week, hands on head, leaning back in his chair, happy as a rat in rubbish.

He proceeded to claim that he was responsible for scuppering plans for a new royal yacht - before the Queen knew anything about it. Isn't it fun, playing at politics?

When it comes to his own political beliefs he is typical New Labour - confused. Charlie claims to have turned down extravagantly-paid positions in the City because "I'm not interested in those huge sums... I'm a socialist, you see". But those who dare to criticise former Paymaster General Geoffrey Robinson come in for a roasting. Their attitude "says we can't have a millionaire member of the Labour Party," he storms. So you can be rich and a socialist, then...

Whelan is just another of those New Labour cronies who like the whiff of power but haven't the courage, the ability or the commitment to stand for election. Derek Draper, the champagne-sinking disgraced lobbyist, was another.

Both these men have left their jobs under a cloud. Both walked straight into lucrative media work. If these are the sort of people advising New Labour, no wonder it has lost touch with ordinary people in Britain.

These days, Manchester United is a top-ranking conglomerate that happens to boast a pretty tasty office football team. MUFC plc is now so powerful that anyone who dares to criticise it is crushed like an ant.

Simon Topliss from York is a shareholder in an Internet-based firm selling anti-United merchandise. He and his friends took great delight in irritating the giant club. They designed a Scumchester United logo and changed its badge from a devil to a pig.

It did not take long for Scumchester's team of lawyers to close down the website, however. Criticism of Rupert Murdoch's latest plaything is forbidden. Away fans at Old Trafford had better watch out. The next one to shout: "Stand up if you hate Man U" might be bundled away in a black Maria.

18/01/99

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.