Chris Titley

CHRISTMAS, we are told, is going to be a disaster. And we're not talking about the usual household disasters involving bullet-hard brussels and fisticuffs over the Ker-Plunk. We are talking nationwide shopping catastrophe. The High Street is facing a bigger slump than Ollie Reed at last orders.

Traders relying on our annual outbreak of spending fever are watching anxiously for the symptoms - a rash of bad purchases, complete lack of taste, perfume-induced blindness.

But we're not succumbing. Retail analysts have concluded that the British public is showing unnatural retail restraint. The tills are still. It's got so bad that Allied Carpets has started a sale.

Ahem. Excuse me while I scoff. Oh yeah? Where have these analysts been doing their analysing? Certainly not in York's Coney Street on Saturday, which was so packed that pedestrians had to take it in turns to breathe out.

And certainly not at the 'Designer Outlet' near Fulford, which is expected to welcome its one millionth customer before Christmas.

These doom-laden retail experts are presumably aware that the average spend this Yuletide is £570 per head. What more do they want? Our grandmothers, exchanged for an electric toothbrush with power flossing attachment?

Wake up, North Yorkshire! All this despondent talk is a ruse. The corporate fat cats are trying to make us feel guilty, and spend even more.

Resist. Avoid shopping hysteria. Buy sensibly, eat heartily and ding-dong merrily. On high, if you like. But not on the High Street.

I HAVE yet to buy a Christmas present this year. My brief preliminary recce of the shops was enough to leave me shaking so violently that I could hardly lift a medicinal pint to my lips.

This only confirms the findings of psychologist Dr David Lewis. He discovered that men doing Christmas shopping suffer stress levels as high as those experienced by fighter pilots or police officers confronting dangerous situations.

I have, in the past, ridiculed media-obsessed psychologists for coming up with trite findings to suit their paymasters (Dr Lewis's survey was commissioned by the Brent Cross shopping centre, incidentally).

But in this case, I must acknowledge the breath-taking brilliance of the good doctor's research. "I urge women to listen to their partners this year and consider the long-term benefits of not forcing them to help," he said. The man's a genius.

Now all we need to do is fund Dr Lewis's investigations into (a) why men who stay in the pub are more attentive lovers, and (b) the potentially fatal dangers of exposing men to household chores. How about a whip-round, lads?

SOCIETY does its best to ignore the elderly. But they are finally fighting back. Older folk are taking over the Internet (look out for www.epsomsalts.com). They are enjoying more active love lives than their stressed out offspring thanks to Viagra. And now they are giving muggers a good going over.

Pensioner power has seen off two thugs in recent days. A youth who tried to snatch the handbag from an 81-year-old woman in Scarborough was thoroughly humiliated when she hung on and shouted: "Get off, you bugger!"

And war veteran Mark Walker, 77, together with his 82-year-old wife Ethel, handed out such a battering to a gun-wielding burglar that he ended up pleading: "How much money do you want to let me go?"

Congratulations to Chris Titley on becoming a father yesterday. Baby Jack weighed in at 7lbs 12oz.

7/12/98

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.