It's me, the voice of the people...

AS A Dame, I'd rather have started at the top, the bottom was a bit crowded". Who said that? I did, you're not listening!

Now pay attention because my literary career is starting at the very highest pinnacle with the launch of me very own column. The Evening Press had strong competition for my services - an offer to be political correspondent on the Exchange & Mart springs to mind. Sadly, 20 years of negotiations to be showbiz columnist on Tesco's weekly fell through last week ... I'm suing.

I think it was Enid Blyton who said 'the pen is mightier than Charles Hutchinson, Julian Cole and John Potts put together'; so here I go. I'm going to blow the lid off the world of show business.

I'm going to tear down the walls of secrecy that shrouds the private lives of stars you've just about heard of - Jimmy Nail and Robson Green are already panicking and Suzi Quatro is just grateful for any publicity.

I shall be the voice of the people on riveting local issues from 'Were the Spice Girls born in Acomb?' to Mrs Fitzackerly's heart-rending appeal for more scaffolding around the Minster. For a woman of 60, she still adores the odd bungee jump from high buildings, bless her.

But that's all for the future, right now I'm in a state of dramatic trauma, Pet Lambs! What we laughingly call rehearsals (a technical term for a nervous breakdown) begin on Monday for the pantomime. I was only told last January I would be doing it, so I've not had much time to prepare. I shall ring the Theatre Royal and ask them what the title is and then try and find ten minutes over the weekend to write the script; well you've got to put in a bit of effort, haven't you.

Mrs Fitzackerly, the dog Jessie and I, have been dossing down in London these past months. I've been doing a children's TV serial called The Worst Witch. I only accepted five of the 13 episodes, a woman of my talents doesn't want to get over exposed at my age - well, not in this weather!

Robson Green and Stephen Tompkinson begged me take a role in an episode of Grafters (I thought it was going to be about cosmetic surgery, but turns out to be about builders). Once again I found myself in drag - yes, the old Dame had to wear male attire and pretend to be a man; they even shaved my head so I'd look bald!

The Dame's handy tip for the week: To prevent iron gates and railings rusting, when it rains bring them into the house!

20/11/98

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.