I AM an unbalanced, crooked, twisted human being. The official news of this was broken to me matter-of-factly on my first visit to a York chiropractor.

I offered myself to the Ch'ien Clinic, in Tadcaster Road, York, with little more serious than a slightly achy shoulder.

But after a brief examination of the main bones in my body, I was told that my right leg was quarter of an inch longer than the left, my knees were uneven, my spine twisted and my hips "rotated". There were misalignments in my hands, arms, feet and shoulders, and no less than six pairs of bones in my face were crooked. Oh, and just to put my nose out of joint, my nose was... out of joint.

But apparently, all this is quite normal, I was led to believe.

The good news was that all I had to do to put things right was spend 45 minutes being slapped in a slightly odd way once a fortnight, for a few weeks.

The treatment is called McTimoney Chiropractic and it deals with misalignments in the body. The theory is that poor posture and similar bad habits can twist pairs of bones - and the spine itself - out of alignment. In compensating, the human body stretches or compresses nearby muscles, and this can interfere with sensitive nerves, leading to aches and pains.

McTimoney Chiropractors - named after the technique's inventor, John McTimoney - claim patients can be relieved of sufferings ranging from migraines and neck aches to severe back pain and even kidney problems.

Christina Rudd, my chiropractor for the day, said the technique was distinguished from others by its gentleness, with misaligned bones being simply "tapped" back into place.

And that is where the slapping comes in. To watch a chiropractor at work is to witness them sweeping their palms down on a miscreant bone in a dramatic and apparently violent way. But you feel little and hear nothing but a slight slap.

The Ch'ien Clinic is offering half-price treatments on Fridays while McTimoney students are being trained. Much of the treatment is done by the tutor while the student watches, and the students only do the basic techniques.

In my case, all went smoothly and I'm going back every other week. I am sold more on the basis of preventing future problems than curing current ones.

As for my inexplicably overgrown right leg, they did try to shorten it by means of thumping it back into my pelvis, but it didn't really work. I'll just have to climb on a rack next time I'm in a medieval torture chamber and extend the other one to compensate.

* Half-price chiropractic treatments on Fridays at the Ch'ien Clinic, 296 Tadcaster Road, cost £18 for the first session and £12 after that. Full-price treatments are available the rest of the week. Contact 01904 709688.

* Chiropractor Christina Rudd will be available for advice at the Health and Beauty Fair 1998, on Sunday, February 22, at the Stakis Hotel, York, between 10am and 4pm. Entry is free.

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.