I HAD just arrived home with a bunch when the item was aired on the radio.

I hardly ever buy it but it was on special offer at Tesco and I couldn't resist. I knew my husband was cooking potatoes, salmon burger-type things and courgettes for tea and I thought that it would go down well as an extra vegetable.

"You've bought asparagus." My husband sounded surprised as I plonked the little parcel down on the table.

"Yes, it was on offer," I said.

Then not five minutes later, came the news item - 'asparagus can transform your sex life.' I immediately leapt to my own defence. "It IS on offer - you can ring them if you like. And I really like it, my mum always cooks it, and you know it tastes lovely, it's much lighter than courgette."

So it went on, or rather I did, babbling uncontrollably. Heaven forbid that my husband should think I had bought it for carnal reasons. I didn't want to be seen enjoying a few spears only to find him winking at me and suggesting an early night.

No, no, no. I bought the asparagus in complete ignorance of its supposed powers as an aphrodisiac.

If anyone asked me to name any food that paved the way to sexual fulfilment I would - like 99 per cent of the population - blurt out the more well-known foods of love such as oysters and crushed rhino horn, neither of which I have ever seen on special offer in Tesco.

Kwik-Save and Netto, possibly, but Tesco, never.

And I know strawberries have been dubbed "nature's answer to Viagra". But as for intentionally buying any food for such purposes, the answer is a firm no.

You could spend the whole meal wondering whether it was working. Your dinner guest might innocently reach under the table to scratch his leg, yet you would see it as a come-on. It would pave the way for a very embarrassing evening.

Then there are those people who combine eating with lovemaking. Why would anyone want to do that? The two things just don't mix. You hear about people who coat themselves with cream, chocolate, yoghurt and suchlike before getting down to business.

By my reckoning that's the fast-track to becoming sticky and smelly - a great way to feel when you're lying naked in front of a new beau. And you can forget all about sheepskin rugs in front of a blazing fire.

I remember going on a first date with a man who asked me to try his dessert. He lent across the table and held the spoon to my lips. It was far too intimate for me. I remember thinking: "Excuse me, I don't even know you, and you're expecting to feed me."

Call me fussy and prudish, but I realised then and there that the relationship would not survive the evening.

Anyway, the asparagus was expertly cooked, served with melted butter and went down a treat.

There were no instant longings on my part, although I did give the cat a cuddle, and it certainly didn't work for my husband, who went to bed with some gardening magazines.

Updated: 08:52 Tuesday, July 19, 2005