"FRIENDS, Romans, countrymen. Lend me your... ugh."

Next week sees the return of the York Roman Festival, bigger, hairier and more fun than Russell Crowe in a toga. And top billing must go to the talk entitled: "What Roman poo can tell us about the Roman way of life".

Yes, it's our old friend Dr Andrew Jones, the man who trips the coprolite fantastic. "Bone" Jones, of the York Archaeological Trust, is the number one expert on number twos, the specialist in ancient doings of all kinds.

His talk on Roman poo is "ideal for all the family" boasts the festival website (www.yorkromanfestival.com). You can hear his insights at the Roman Bathhouse, St Sampson's Square, on Friday, August 5 at 11am. And again at noon, 1pm and 2pm.

Festival organiser Keith Mulhearn says no one is better qualified than Dr J on this subject. "He spent a lot of time in Pompeii. And he was on Time Team doing the Romans as well." This is but one of scores of exciting events during the Roman jamboree. More highlights will be revealed in the Evening Press imminently.

MORE on York rag and bone man Stan Deere. "My favourite memory of him was from a court report printed in the Evening Press where Stan was charged with stealing lead from a church porch roof," writes Phil Wade of Bishopthorpe Road, York.

"He had apparently been apprehended pushing his pram in Walmgate, and the lead had been found inside the pram, covered by an old sack.

"In his defence, Stan had said that he had no idea how the lead came to be in his pram, he had been drinking in the Spread Eagle in Walmgate, and someone must have put it in his pram while it was 'parked' outside."

These days, his pram would have been clamped. "I do not remember the outcome of this episode," concludes Phil, "but Stan certainly was a colourful character."

JOB title of the week - Yorkshire Rural Community Council now employs a Craven Rural Housing Enabler.

HOW much is York worth? The Diary has borrowed the Evening Press abacus to find out.

According to top totters at the Office of National Statistics, Britain has assets valued at £5.8 trillion, give or take a few bob. That works out at £97,000 for each man, woman and child.

Given that York has a population of 181,000, we reckon that makes our old city worth £17,557,000,000.

Our city fathers seem intent on flogging it off bit by bit, but wouldn't it be quicker and less painful to put the whole lot on eBay?

FROM The Times: "Outrage at the National Portrait Gallery where the oil of Dame Judi Dench by Alessandro Raho has been ousted to make way for an exhibition." How dare they? We should demand to hang her in York Art Gallery.

THOUGHT for the day comes courtesy of the North Yorkshire WI Newsletter.

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back it was never yours to begin with.

"But if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realise that you have set it free... you either married it or gave birth to it."

Updated: 09:07 Wednesday, July 27, 2005