BRRR brrr. BRRR brrr. "Good morning, and thank you for telephoning City of York Council, 'always listening to your views'.

"Sorry, we are unable to come to the phone right now, as we are reading about the Quentin Macdonald Miracle Diet in Your City.

"But our corporate contact centre will automatically deal with your inquiry.

"If you wish to pay a personal tribute to the efficiency of the council please record it now."

"Please yourself. Main menu. If you are chewing some gum and wish to know the council-approved disposal method, please press one.

"If you own a gymnasium and wish to reclassify it as a nightclub, please press two.

"If you are a developer, please enter the number of flats you wish to build in York to the nearest hundred now.

"If you have some green belt that we have forgotten to build on, press three.

"If you have a query about your council tax, please press four.

"Thank you. Council tax menu. Please consider carefully before selecting one of the options.

"If you wish more of your council tax to be spent on: widening roads, press one; narrowing roads, press two; widening then narrowing roads, press three.

"Environment services menu. To learn how to turn your household rubbish into attractive costume jewellery, please log on to www.wallercreations.com. If your wheelie bin is overflowing, don't come complaining to us, you wasteful consumerist pig.

"Please hold. Your tax is important to us.

"We're sorry but we couldn't connect you. Please choose from the following methods of venting your frustration: one, headbanging the wall; two, kicking the cat; or three, having a stress-induced heart attack.

"Thank you, and have a nice day."

NOT content with entertaining York with their antics, the Ales Angels are about to make a big screen splash in Edinburgh.

Ales Angels: The Movie, chronicling a charity bike ride by friends from York's Blue Bell pub, is to be included in the TromaFling Independent Film Festival in Edinburgh next month. That is the first time it will have been shown in a cinema since its debut at City Screen York.

This entailed getting a rating from the British Board of Film Classification. It decided Ales Angels was suitable only for those aged 15 and above because of the cursing and mild sexual references.

Blue Bell landlord Jim Hardie could only recall one sexual reference. It occurred when a member of the party compared saddle soreness to an activity unrelated to cycling.

Jim also revealed the angels may postpone their planned expedition across Scotland on pedalos, and instead cycle to York's German twin town of Mnster and back next summer.

FOR Hogwarts, read Helmsley. Chris Parkin, of the Carlton Lodge B&B, is giving away copies of Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix for guests staying there between now and September 16.

"What better break can you hope for, than to leave behind the stress of work, enjoy the calm surroundings of the North York Moors and escape into the fantasy world of wizards and muggles?" asks Chris.

Updated: 09:16 Friday, July 29, 2005