There have been times when readers of this column have accused me of being unreasonable. When people have voiced their concerns about the way I behave towards my "long-suffering" husband in trying to get him to tow the line.
Well, I know I'm not the only one to find fault with my other half, and I know I'm not alone in resorting to all sorts of ferocious and underhand tactics to get him to play ball.
I think my nag-a-minute methods are mild to say the least, because some women are now, apparently, attempting to house-train their husbands using dog training techniques.
As if that isn't embarrassing enough for the poor fellas, they are doing it on national TV in a new programme called, cringingly, Bring Your Husband To Heel.
In the six-part series, dog trainer Annie Clayton tackles domestic issues such as encouraging the man to do the washing up or to pay more attention to his wife.
Instead of a pat on the head or chewy toy, the rewards earned could be anything from a favourite food to a word of praise.
Intriguing. I may just give it a go. I could make good use of the following common commands:
"Fetch!": The kids from parties/discos/and other social functions, sometimes involving both children and a ten-minute dash between each. Because of my husband's reluctance to drive, and loathing of after-party mumsy chit-chat (which I hate too) I usually end up doing this.
"Sit!": My husband loves to stand. As a tall person, he finds sitting, particularly for long periods, uncomfortable. So, often, like on the beach during our recent holiday, I have to crane my head upwards to talk to him as he towers above. It doesn't make for easy conversations.
"Stay!": This command would be most useful in large supermarkets where I only have to turn my back for one second and my husband has vanished without trace - often with the trolley and the cash. After an extensive search extending over two or three days I usually come across him in a far-flung corner of the store, trying to root out an obscure type of soy sauce.
"Guard!": Not that his presence would be intimidating to anyone over the age of five, but I would like to be able to call upon my husband to take on the role of minder and protect me from the unwelcome attentions of other men when we're out and about.
I would also employ those 'retrieval' methods that they use in the obedience classes at Crufts. I would start with grubby boxer shorts from behind the bedroom door, move on to wet towels on the duvet, and graduate to smaller abandoned bits and pieces like - I know it's gruesome but in our house it's a fact of life - toe-nail clippings from the bathroom floor.
With enough praise and encouragement, I feel that dog training tactics may just work on my husband. But I also believe that women should not escape the canine-style school of correction.
We have many habits that need ironing out, one of the worst being whining. Because it's something dogs are prone to, I'm sure an easy solution is available. If my husband had his way it would come in the shape of a muzzle.
Updated: 11:04 Tuesday, August 23, 2005
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