JO HAYWOOD talks to two women hoping to turn inmates into soulmates.

WHEN a relationship turns sour, a couple can feel a barrier has been raised between them. But what if that barrier is all too real?

Even a relatively short prison sentence can ring the death knell for a relationship.

As one partner serves their time, the other starts a new independent life. Without work and determination, it is difficult to reunite these divergent strands when the sentence is up.

"Our exit strategy starts as soon as they walk through the door," said Pat Wilcox, education manager at the Wolds Prison in Everthorpe, East Yorkshire.

"Our aim is to help maintain their relationship from day one, not rebuild it when they are ready for release."

It is not just beneficial to the couple themselves to keep their relationship on track; it can be good for society as a whole.

"If the family splits up, we might well see the man back in here," she continued. "It means he starts out with a big disadvantage.

"If he can go back to a steady family home, he has a better chance of moving on and not re-offending."

But what can a prisoner do when they are locked up many miles from their family home?

The Wolds offers all sorts of help to keep families together, from Storybook Dads, where inmates record their favourite bedtime story on CD for their kids, to Dads & Lads' days in the gym (girls are also invited, but that's not such a catchy title).

It is now also the first prison in our region to offer a relationship course aimed at keeping couples on the straight and narrow.

Estatblished nationally by Time For Families and run locally by Family Matters York, the course is in its infancy but is already garnering results.

"I was at a feedback session after the first workshops and the response was very touching," said Pat. "One offender said he didn't think he could spend a whole day with his wife without falling out, but he did, and he couldn't wait to do it again."

The course is run by husband-and- wife team Rob and Lynden Askew of Acomb. Rob is development and training officer for Time For Families in Yorkshire and Humberside, and Lynden is a couple worker for Family Matters York.

They ran a successful pilot scheme in Askham Grange Prison, a women's open prison in Askham Richard, near York, in 2003.

"The main core of our message is the importance of communication," said Lynden. "Money might be the root of all evil, but communication is the root of everything else!

"We start with the importance of listening, something that a lot of offenders find difficult because they are used to being able to stop a conversation in its tracks by simply putting the phone down.

"We then move on to communication skills, covering things like conflict resolution."

When the scheme at the Wolds is fully up and running, prisoners will be offered three separate workshops of two sessions each covering couple relationships, parenting and domestic finances.

Once a team of volunteers is on board, the work will also continue when the inmate is released.

"A mentor will phone or visit the family when the offender is back in the community to try and make the transition as smooth as possible," said Lynden.

"Breaking bad habits can be very demanding. Especially when it means leaving a whole group of friends behind."

Prisoners are queuing up to get a place on the course, not least because it means they can spend a whole day with their partner.

On normal visits, physical contact is discouraged, and inmates and their families have to make do with plastic chairs screwed to the floor.

If they attend a workshop, they can relax in easy chairs with their arms around each other.

"Kissing is allowed," said Lynden, "but we frown on full-blown snogging!

"Joking aside, I know they really value being able to spend time together. One couple said the time they spent on the course (two days from 10am to 4pm) was the longest time they had been together in five years."

Couples work together using a textbook illustrated with cartoons during their first session, talking privately and working things through one-on-one.

The second session is more interactive, with inmates expected to participate in group discussions.

It sounds impressive, but does it work?

"More established courses have noticed a huge improvement after offenders have successfully learned to modify their behaviour," said Lynden.

"It's often very difficult for them to see things from someone else's point of view because they are used to just considering themselves. Enabling them to do that can change everything."

The change doesn't only have a positive effect on family life; it can also lead to a calmer prison environment.

"It's the simple skills that mean the most," said Pat. "Learning to listen and talk to rather than at people can turn things around for a man on a personal level.

"But it can also help with the general atmosphere of the prison. Their new communications skills can come in quite handy."

:: On course to harmony

The course aims to teach prisoners ten basic skills on how to:

Listen, hear what has been said and reflect back

Talk about their feelings and build intimacy

Recognise the ways in which they and their partner like to be loved

Avoid putting their relationship at risk

Identify their own and their partner's emotional needs and seek to meet them

Make proactive, positive relationship choices

Put their relationship before a dividing issue

Manage angry feelings

Manage disagreements

Ask for and give forgiveness.

Updated: 11:02 Tuesday, August 23, 2005