IT'S high time I came out of the closet. My parents have known for a long time, so it won't come as a shock to them. My partner has been well aware of the situation for ten years or more, and my children, though still young and relatively innocent, have already realised their mother has a special secret.

Now I think the time is right for me to come out in public. Ready? Here goes.

I am a gossip.

There, my secret is finally out. I can now live my life as an openly gossiping woman, free to sow my wild stories with whoever takes my fancy, although I have to admit an underlying penchant for good old girl-on-girl gossip action.

Men, in my experience, just don't do it right. They always want to cloud the issue with facts and figures, spoiling what should be a hot and heavy session of tittle-tattle with words like 'truth' and 'proof'.

I occasionally try and engage my other half in a quickie, dropping in an "ooh, did I tell you about so-and-so" as he emerges from behind his paper of an evening. But I can see his eyes start to glaze over within seconds and I swear I can hear him humming the Kaiser Chiefs' Every Day I Love You Less And Less under his breath while my lips are still mid-flap.

I had assumed up until now that it wasn't his fault. He can't help it, I thought, he's a man, and men are not genetically blessed with the G(ossip) chromosome. But it seems I was wrong.

According to an 18-month study to be published in the journal Human Nature this month, men gossip for as long and on the same subjects as women. It seems the only difference is that they are far more egocentric, talking for two-thirds of the time about themselves compared with only a third for women.

I'm sure the anthropological brainiacs at the University of Wisconsin, where the research was carried out, know their onions, but I wouldn't count talking about yourself as gossip at all. I'd label it 'bragging'.

But who am I to tell them anything? I'm just a dedicated, some may say professional, gossip of 30-odd years standing (some of them odder than others).

One point I happily agree with them on, however, is that gossiping is good for you. The common perception is that gas-bagging is a trivial, occasionally harmful, activity, fuelled by sloppy, unreliable half-truths and perpetuated by women with more shoes than brain cells. The truth is a very different story.

Dr David S Wilson has been quoted as saying "gossip is a sophisticated skill; it is a multifunctional interaction which is important in policing behaviours and defining group membership".

Okaaay. I get the feeling Dr W is not a top gossip himself, but he obviously knows a thing or two about this proud art.

Gossiping is virtually my only social skill. I can't do small talk - I don't really care where people have been on holiday, just as I find it difficult to believe they give a monkey's about my own travel plans - but introduce me to someone who enjoys a gossip, preferably of the half-whispered, tittery variety, and I will show you my new best friend.

I have developed many deep and meaningful relationships over the years fuelled exclusively by gossip. Now that I come to think of it, my oldest friend and I have done nothing but gossip for the past 30 years and it hasn't done us any harm.

So next time someone tries to belittle you for being a gossip, don't slink away in shame. Be loud, be proud and say after me: "I'm here, I sneer - get over it!"

Updated: 11:35 Monday, September 05, 2005