Life's been a bit quiet in the Hearld residence lately. Maybe it's because I've given in and meekly concede that the Iron Maiden rules the roost.

After a hard day hand-cranking the press to produce thousands of newspapers, I go home to my list of chores.

After I've swept my cellar I am allowed to pick over the food scraps left by the rest of the family. Then I may get a chance to read a few lines before Mrs Hearld orders "candles out."

There's no fight left in me. I know who's boss. But it does not stop me secretly admiring those who stand up against the tyranny of bossy women and I can't get enough of the underground propaganda which will one day help launch the crusade to restore male equality for us Cinderfellas.

The latest literature circulating secretly in the Oppressed Husbands Society has helped straighten our bowed shoulders, restored some hope.

It goes something like this:

"We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side: "Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

"Sunday sport, it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

"If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

"Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work, strong hints do not work, obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

"Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

"Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

"A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

"Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

"If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

"If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

"You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

"Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

"Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

"All men see in only 16 colours, like computer screens settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

"If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

"If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

"When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.

"Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to

discuss such topics as football, cricket, or monster trucks.

"You have enough clothes and you have too many shoes.

"I am in shape. Round is a shape."

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but men really don't mind that - it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Wear a helmet and pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

Updated: 08:59 Tuesday, September 06, 2005