How to be married

LOVE and marriage may go together like a horse and carriage, but what happens when one of the wheels falls off? Do you trade it in for a newer model - something with go-faster stripes and surround sound - or do you spend time fixing what you've got?

The Marriage Conference, which takes place on Saturday at St Michael-le-Belfrey Church, aims to provide practical answers to common marital questions.

Organised by Nicky and Sila Lee, who have been married for 29 years and have four children, the conference has been designed to equip people to lead a pair of marriage courses. The first is for engaged couples who want to develop strong foundations for a lasting marriage. The second for married couples who want to maintain a strong, healthy relationship.

Neither offers quick fixes and neither promises positive results. So, what do they do?

Rachel and Dave McWalter of York completed a marriage preparation course, run by Family Matters York, which included a lengthy questionnaire and a series of meetings with their 'marriage mentors'.

"The questionnaire is huge," said Rachel with a laugh. "But if you sit down together and plough on, you do eventually get through it. Some of the questions seem strange at first - they're double negatives and repetitive - but I think they just want to make sure you are answering them truthfully."

The questions range from your views on raising children to financial constraints, and from how you resolve an argument to who does the washing up.

"You think you've talked about everything," said Rachel, "but the questionnaire throws out these talking points that you haven't covered. It can be quite revealing."

After completing their questionnaire, Rachel and Dave talked through the results with their marriage mentors, Rob and Lynden Askew, a York couple who have been married for more years than they care to remember and have five children.

"I was very anxious about meeting up with Rob and Lynden," said Rachel. "In fact, I was scared stiff because I felt uneasy putting our relationship under the spotlight. I suppose I had a problem with us being the centre of attention. But they made us feel very comfortable by starting us out on the easy stuff, our friends and interests, that sort of thing."

Rob and Lynden shared some of their own experiences and encouraged Rachel and Dave to talk about what they thought their marriage should be like and how they were going to achieve their aims.

"It was so nice to have an older couple to talk things through with," said Rachel. "And it's nice to know they are still on hand if ever we need them."

The couple married two years ago and, almost a year to the day, had their first child. When Alice, who turns one later this week, was born, Rachel decided to stay at home full-time to look after her. At first, she loved it. Then, about six months down the line, she had what she calls "a bit of a dip".

"I just wasn't enjoying it any more," she said. "I was tired of doing all the household chores and I was struggling with the fact that I wasn't earning my own money. I know Dave was working hard, but so was I, and it just didn't seem to be any fun.

"I realise this is what a lot of mothers go through, and I know it was hardly what you might call a crisis, but I felt we needed a bit of help again."

Rachel and Dave signed up for another marriage course, which saw them meeting up with six other couples for five weeks for group discussions and one-to-one talks.

"It was nice because it wasn't entirely focused on us," said Rachel. "You could share what you wanted to share and hold back what you didn't, saving those discussions for when it was just the two of you. The bottom line of all these courses is to teach you to communicate with each other, and I really think we learned some useful skills to help us."

They were taught simple techniques such as not using a nagging "you do this, and you do that" tone, opting instead for a less accusatory "I feel like this when you do that" framework.

Another trick, which feels silly but seems to work, is to take it in turns to hold a cushion while discussing a problem. Whoever is holding the cushion must be allowed to talk without interruption before passing it on.

"I know it sounds a bit daft, but it's the simple skills that are the easiest to fit in to your everyday life," said Rachel.

Some might argue that the McWalters didn't need to go on a course because their marriage has never been at risk, but they believe that is missing the point.

"The key is to learn these skills before you need them," said Rachel. "It's no good waiting for a major crisis before signing up for a course. Every time I pick up a glossy magazine I see all these tick-box questionnaires on 'how to make your relationship last' and I just know that virtually every reader will be filling them in.

"Ask them to do it for real, to try and make their relationship last and they can't get away fast enough. Going on a marriage course is not about admitting your relationship is in trouble, it's about finding out how to make it stronger.

"That's not so scary, is it?"

For more details about marriage courses, phone Family Matters York on 01904 639767.

Updated: 09:47 Tuesday, October 18, 2005