WHEN did breasts become offensive weapons? Even the perkiest specimen couldn't do you much damage.

The worst you could expect is a poke in the eye and even then it's hardly going to leave you rolling around in paroxysms of pain like a premiership footballer knocked off his feet by a stiff breeze.

Breasts don't have sharp edges, unless you are wearing a Madonna-style comical conical bra. You can't slash someone with them, you can't knock them unconscious with them (Jordan may be the exception that proves this rule) and you can't shoot anyone with them. In other words, they are about as dangerous as two hamsters in a hammock.

Perhaps you can get technologically-enhanced breasts these days - I probably missed the memo - crafted from tensile steel with go-go gadget nipples. If that is the case, then I heartily applaud the good old British police who swooped into action, with no thought for their own safety, when a woman was caught in blatant possession of breasts in a built-up area.

This hardened criminal, whose antics hit the headlines a few days ago, later admitted that she had had the breasts for the best part of 20 years and had been known to go out in public with them furtively shoved up her jumper on more than one occasion.

Her mistake this time was to threaten a six-month-old baby with one of her offensive weapons. Apparently, she parked herself on a bench in a shopping centre, whipped it out of its holster, a white lacy affair that the police have since discovered was supplied by a Mafiosi-style duo known only as M&S, and jammed it into the infant's face.

Luckily, a good, upstanding citizen saw fit to report this unspeakable crime to the authorities and a marked patrol car was despatched to deal with the escalating situation.

Unfortunately, breastfeeding is not an arrestable offence, so all our brave boys in blue could do was to tell the unrepentant offender to cover up and move on, taking her matching pair of offensive weapons with her.

So, what can we learn from this sorry tale? That some folk have so little human decency that they can't allow a woman to feed her child for fear of a fleeting glimpse of nipple? That wasting police time is less onerous than breastfeeding a baby on a bench?

No, I think the key lesson here is that if you have been burgled or mugged or your property has been vandalised, don't dial 999, just get your boobs out. The SWAT team will be round in seconds.

NEVER get between a woman and her chocolate. I always assumed men knew this, in the same way that they know not to flick over for the footie score in the middle of Corrie and not to compliment another woman when you're having a bad hair day.

I pictured dads sitting their sons down, getting the Big Boys Book Of Rules out from behind the sofa and talking them gently through the complicated procedure that is 'keeping a woman happy'.

But it seems I was wrong. Some dads have been neglectful in their duty, putting their own flesh and blood at serious risk of coming into contact with their own flesh and blood.

Apparently, a pregnant young woman in America has been charged with attempted murder for stabbing her boyfriend, puncturing his lung and lacerating his liver.

Her defence? She was provoked into taking action after he tried to stop her eating a chocolate bar.

Well, who hasn't thought of knifing a loved one over confectionery? I know I almost took a chainsaw to my beloved last Christmas when he ventured into the bottom layer of my Milk Tray and scoffed the last caramel fudge.

But forgive and forget, I say. Once they have patched up the gaping wounds in the poor Californian chap's stomach maybe he can patch up his relationship with his girlfriend.

After all, they have the birth of their baby to look forward to in four months' time. Oh, and Easter.

Updated: 09:13 Monday, November 28, 2005