A good friend bought me a left-hander's calendar for Christmas - a daily reminder that I am one of an oppressed minority.

We - ten per cent of the world's population - are cursed to go through life backwards. Tin openers, scissors, guitars, camera shutters and italic pen nibs are all slanted against us. We have to push pens across the page instead of pull. It's hell on the soup course at a banquet. You tend to bang elbows with the right hander next to you just as you get the spoon to your mouth.

But my calendar is cheering me up no end. Every day I rip off a page and discover some new gem about being a leftie, goggy-hander, southpaw, a sinister, portsider, you name it.

Lefthanders may be in a minority, but they have some revered characters in their ranks: Joan of Arc, Alexander the Great, Napoleon and Josephine, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, Paul McCartney and Ringo, Bill Gates, Bill Hearld - and his mum.

So how about a new movement to encourage and support oppressed, suppressed, depressed or downright shunned minorities around the world?

That lonely black sheep in a field of pure, new blinding white wool has a lot going for him. He can gambol with pride knowing he is an individualist, that black is always in fashion and his lamb chops taste as good as anybody's. Incidentally, at one school in the north east, a teacher taught children to sing "Baa, baa, green sheep" so it would not offend black people.

What about the great-crested newt? He has a great crest where other newts have a boring bald head. He will be noticed. He will never be passed as a newt. Perhaps great-crested newts are not a minority these days. Despite the common misconception that they are an endangered species, new colonies turn up with alarming regularity to prevent new building developments. Perhaps there's a rent-a-crested-newt dealer who hires them out to protesters trying to halt a new block of flats.

Did you know that boomerangs have to be thrown right-handed or they won't come back?

Women are no longer an oppressed minority so we won't campaign on their behalf. They are breeding more of them every year and the only way for them to have equal rights these days is for them to give up a few.

But spinsters and bachelors are an endangered species. The terms may no longer be used on marriage certificates, says the Registrar General, because they do not apply to homosexuals. The new laws permitting gay marriages insist the word "single" be used instead.

By the way, did you know that in Denmark, tradition says that on the 12th night after Christmas, if an unmarried woman walks backwards to bed, throws a shoe over her left shoulder and says a verse to the Three Holy Kings, she will marry the man of her dreams? Unless that man is behind her and gets his eye put out when she throws the shoe. Or he is not totally put off by the fact that she is always walking backwards and muttering to herself.

Another species under threat is the bare-chested builder. Come on girls, surely you want to save such a worthy minority. New EU health & safety laws may force builders to cover up because their employers have to consider the harmful effects of the sun's rays. Shame.

Did you know that aristera, or "left" in Greek means "the best"? It is also the root of the word aristocrat?

Pub happy hours are another species under threat because the Government says they encourage binge drinking. One pub in London has got round the problem by offering cheap drinks during a daily "work wind down".

It really winds me up when I want a drink and have to use a corkscrew. They are made for right-handers so I usually finish up holding the corkscrew still and twisting the bottle. Even watches are designed to foil lefties. The winder is always on the right-hand side.

Still, compared with some minorities, being a southpaw is a relative luxury. Imagine being a chamois-leather wringer-outer for a one-armed window cleaner!

Updated: 11:06 Tuesday, January 10, 2006