ONE was called Secrets Of A Sensuous Nurse. Another went by the name Confessions Of A Sex Maniac.

The titles were designed to titillate, but the videos definitely didn't.

We never were told what the sensuous nurse's secrets were - top tips for a sparkling bedpan, perhaps. As for the sex maniac (played by Roger Lloyd Pack, later Trigger in Only Fools And Horses), his confessions might as well have been about unpaid parking tickets.

These films were among several damned as erotically deficient by experts at York Trading Standards.

Five years ago today, the then owner of the Adult Shop, in Gillygate, York, admitted in court that his sex videos were just not filthy enough. He was fined five grand under the Trades Description Act.

The shop was bought by Boostlite Ltd two years back, and current owner Tony Bartlett-More tells the Diary that there is no chance of customers being short-changed these days.

A recent law allows the Adult Shop to sell DVDs with an R18 certificate - as long as he pays £10,000 a year to York council for a sex shop licence. An R18, he explained, is hard core rather than "the type of stuff on soft core channels like Men And Motors".

"People will get exactly what they expect," insists Tony, who also runs a (less busy) adult shop in Grimsby.

To guarantee satisfaction, there's even a "try before you buy" policy, with the shop ready to play a short clip of any film in stock to ensure it meets a patron's needs.

"Our customers are not perhaps what you would expect," Tony added. "You get people from all walks of life, all types, including lots of ladies."

SIXTEEN days in, and York's Lib Dem council made its first crass decision of 2006 (to cut Stagecoach Youth Theatre's funding). That took longer than we expected.

WE get all sorts in the mail, but a rusty ring was a first.

It came from the National Railway Museum, and is a teaser to promote its Flying Scotsman Story exhibition opening for Easter.

The accompanying press release revealed that legendary locomotive engineer Sir Nigel Gresley designed Flying Scotsman with:

741 metres of boiler tube (equivalent to the height of 2 Eiffel Towers)

three cylinders

20 wheels

more than 2,000 rivets, and

43 superheater flues.

Wow, we can hear you saying, that's a lot of superheater flues.

The press release ends like this: "With compliments from the National Railway Museum, you now own a piece of history.

"Can you guess what it is?"

Frankly, no. But there are a number of railway experts among our readers: can anyone out there identify it?

The only other clues I can give you are these: it is 2 inches (57mm) in diameter, and it gets your fingers mucky. Any help received with gratitude.

Updated: 08:43 Wednesday, January 18, 2006