WAS it George Bernard Shaw who said that England and the United States were two nations separated by a common language? I think it must be, because I just looked it up on the Internet.

I also know from my recent dream trip to New Zealand that Shaw was there before me; but I don't know what he thought about the Kiwi version of English.

New Zealand is like Britain might have been before we wrecked it, with majestic mountains, clear blue streams, unfathomed green forests and a rugged, pristine coastline; and it's a land where you can read the road signs, drive on the left and have a decent conversation with the locals.

You could almost forget you are abroad, until you go to the dairy and find it's a corner shop and not a milking parlour. You go for a tramp, not a hike, through a paddock, not a field, and afterwards quench your thirst with a flagon of beer, not a jug.

If things go well, you feel "box of birds" (cheerful and happy), if you don't believe someone you tell them: "get off the grass!", and if you're late you need to "rattle your dags", a charming expression which I'm told refers to the movement of a sheep's tail as it runs.

Language was a bit of a live issue while I was in New Zealand (was it really only last week?). You may not know it, but a fearsome debate is raging there and in Australia about a recent Oz tourism campaign to English-speaking nations around the world.

The TV ad features a gorgeous, swimsuit-clad model emerging from the surf. In her best Sheila accent she addresses the viewer, saying something along these lines: "We've cleared the sharks out of the bay, we've slung another shrimp on the barbie, and we've even saved you a spot on the beach. So where the bloody hell are you?"

This ad has gone down a storm with both NZ and US audiences, but apparently in the Mother Country we have snootily banned it for its inappropriate language.

This has provoked howls of protest in both Oz and New Zealand, with the issue even being debated on the NZ equivalent of Radio Four's Today Programme.

I nearly choked on my cornflakes when I heard Geoff Robinson, the Kiwis' answer to John Humphrys, swapping swear words with the programme's man in Sydney and poking fun at our English priggishness in a debate which ended with the reporter asking: "Who gives a toss, anyway?"

There was an interesting twist when I picked up the morning paper to find the "bloody-hell" discussion being aired within its pages. The paper's opinion column was loftily entitled Our Vulgar Neighbours, and had a bit of sport at the Ockers' expense.

The article pointed out that New Zealanders had not complained about the advert and asked, slyly: "We wouldn't steer the Aussies wrong, now would we?"

This all chimed with my impression that the Kiwis were less brash than the Aussies - until the following Sunday, when I picked up a Kiwi national newspaper. One of the feature writers chose to kick off her weekly column with the words: 'Okay, so Prince Charles is a bit of a big-eared tw*t'.

Well, I have to admit it that it made me read on.

But then again, who's to judge the most vulgar among us? When I look back at this column, I've notched up more swear words than the best of them.

Updated: 09:51 Wednesday, March 22, 2006