SCHOOL could be out on Tuesday, as teaching assistants and caretakers join the pensions strike.

But, judging from this selection of letters written by parents to head teachers, there probably won't be that many kids in school anyway...

Dear Head,

Our Jade won't be in school tomorrow. She's having liposuction and a tummy tuck.

Yours,

Mrs A

Dear Head,

I am writing to inform you that Ronan will not be coming to school for the rest of the week. He's booked in with Dr Riski for a boob job.

Ronan has long been embarrassed to be the only boy in his class without breasts.

We feel certain that the implants will boost his self esteem. He should be back in school in time for finger painting on Friday.

Best wishes,

Ms B-C

Dear Head,

My lad Chico is off school with a sports injury. He strained his thumb in a six-hour Pro Evolution Soccer marathon on his PlayStation.

Thank you,

Mr D

Dear Head,

I can't believe you've had the nerve to get rid of the lower school vending machine.

We always insisted that Chantelle had a balanced diet including nuts and fruit. So she got a Snickers bar and an Orange KitKat from that machine every day.

Where will she buy healthy food now?

Yours in disgust,

Miss E

Dear Head,

I write to inform you that we will have to take Loganberry out of school for his first dentist's appointment on Thursday, March 29 (2018).

Mr F

GOOD to see Hugh Bayley take another opportunity to grill Tony Blair this week.

At a previous Prime Minister's Question Time, he got stuck into the PM over the international chewing gum crisis.

But this time the York MP was even more determined to hold the most powerful man in Britain to account.

"Last year, despite rising oil prices, the UK had the highest economic growth rate in Europe. We used to have more than 10,000 unemployed in York; now the figure is below 2,000," began Mr Bayley fearlessly.

And then came the killer question: "How have our Labour Government managed to avoid the recessions that we had when the Conservatives were in power?"

We don't suppose Tony Blair's had a tongue-lashing like that for some time.

IT'S Mothering Sunday on, er, Sunday. But why, asks a Diary correspondent, this particular one?

"Why is that mothers put up with being short-changed every year - on the one day set aside for them, when the chores of running the family and household should be delegated to those around them?" he asks.

"They're meant to get the day off. But haven't they noticed it's always when the clocks go forward... so they only get 23 hours to put their feet up, rather than 24?"

One for the next PMQs, Hugh.

Updated: 10:07 Friday, March 24, 2006