Crying, gurgling and squealing are just three of the goals that define the Government's National Curriculum for babies.

Smiling with pleasure at toys, anticipating meal times, responding to words and being aware some actions can harm others are also on the check list that will undoubtedly strike terror into the parents whose offspring don't conform.

We all know children develop at different rates. My sister's baby is a late walker, only just getting to grips with it at 18 months.

But he is getting there. And I remember a little boy I grew up with who was nicknamed "yah boy" as that was virtually all he could say before the age of five. As is often the case, he turned out to be fine. He is still a man of few words, but he runs his own, successful business and earns about 50 times more than me.

Of course, it's true, children do have a lot to learn. But so do adults. Their behaviour often leaves a lot to be desired. If there were a National Curriculum for grown-ups, this is how it would read:

18 to 25 years: Learn to function 24/7 with a mobile phone in your hand. Be oblivious of others when using said phone, particularly on trains and at peaceful countryside beauty spots.

25 to 30 years: Smile with pleasure when offered a vast array of mortgages, store cards, and other means of credit, and grin even more broadly after signing up for many of them.

30 to 35 years: Begin to show emotions such as anxiety when faced with mounting debts. Show a sudden interest in biological clocks (women) and sperm counts (men).

36 to 40 years: Demonstrate 'you're only as young as you feel' by continuing to wear tight stone-washed jeans, short skirts and crop tops (women).

41 to 45 years: Enjoy watching quiz shows on TV and shouting out the answers. Make attempts to recapture your youth by, for example, buying a powerful motorbike (men) or starting an affair with an old girlfriend or boyfriend you tracked down on Friends Reunited.

46 to 50 years: Start to understand

medical terms like hot flushes and HRT (women) and enjoy discussing these with others.

51 to 60 years: Learn to speak your mind, even if it makes you unpopular.

60+years: Demonstrate an ability to

master powerful 4-wheel drives or giant saloon cars that cost £10 a gallon to run, and enjoy moaning about the price of petrol.

Updated: 11:31 Tuesday, May 16, 2006