THIS isn't mine, but I wanted to share it with you. It's the wise and witty words of George Carlin. His views on ageing.

Who on earth is George Carlin, you ask? Well, he's a 69-year-old award-winning, but controversial, American comedian and actor. He is a master of quotations such as "Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

Or "I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery and no-one asks me for money."

Anway, these are George's views on aging:

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about ageing that you think in fractions.

How old are you? "I'm four-and-a- half!" You're never thirty six-and-a- half. You're four-and-a-half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then, the greatest day of your life, you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21.

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait! You MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you would. So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that, it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.

You get into your 80s, and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100-and-a- half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100-and-a-half!!

So here's how to stay young: Throw out non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them, that's what they are paid for.

Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle.

Enjoy the simple things. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. Be alive while you are alive.

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the shops, the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity... and always remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Conservatory update: Last week I told you how we were having trouble with our new conservatory and the company who built it would not answer our calls. Miraculously, they responded the same day I wrote about them in the column. They're coming to fix it later this week. Power of The Press or what?

Updated: 11:20 Tuesday, May 16, 2006