SO the new boys – and just a handful of girls – have settled in. Just like 11-year-olds starting a new school they’ve met the staff, cracked open their pristine new notebooks, and started to get to grips with the heady responsibility of doing things differently.

But my close internet-based sources tell me that the first meeting of David Cameron’s Cabinet apparently ended in chaos and division, with angry arguments about the fairest distribution of tea and biscuits.

According to information received in my in-box the other day the meteoric riser to the dizzy heights of Deputy PM was the one who kicked it off. No Cameron stooge this one! “The existing system of ‘First-Pass-the-HobNobs’ is patently unfair!” said Nick Clegg. “By the time the biscuits get round to us Eric Pickles has taken all the Chocolate Bourbons. All we are left with are Dr Liam Fox’s Butter Crinkles, and nobody wants them.”

It was then the turn of Vince to get down to business. The Liberal Democrats, he said, would like to see a fairer system in which biscuits are allocated according to the number of teas that each person has.

“I drank three cups of tea but got no biscuits. George Osborne had one cup but snaffled four Custard Creams and a Jammy Dodger, which I clearly saw him hiding under the table,” he ranted. He’s no Osborne poodle then.

But then the arguments intensified when Home Secretary Theresa May raised objections to the Lib-Dem policy of “dunking”.

“We are a modern, progressive party,” she said. “But I have to draw the line at people who dunk. It is immoral, unnatural and it leaves a horrid gunky mess at the bottom of the cup. That is something I find difficult to swallow.”

Tensions reached breaking point when William Hague stormed out of the room following a perceived insult from Energy Secretary Chris Huhne. “I think he must have misheard me,” said a bewildered Mr Huhne. “All I said was that I really hate Garibaldis…”

As the coalition began to crumble, Mr Cameron made a last-ditch attempt to salvage the situation by promising a referendum on AB, or Alternative Biscuits.

Under the system, every member of Cabinet would list their three favourite biscuits in strict order of preference before receiving a variety box containing biscuits nobody really wanted.

If the Cabinet cannot agree over biscuits then it could trigger a “Ginger Snap Election”, according to one constitutional expert. The only remaining option is for David Cameron to ask the Queen to call for the Duchy Originals – something that sounds good in principle but the country simply cannot afford.

• I WONDER how Cleggie and Hague will get on house sharing? For it has been decreed that they will share Chevening, the grace-and-favour pile that is the official residence of the foreign secretary, set in 3,500 acres of Kent countryside.

Not that they’ll get on top of each other, given that it’s got 115 rooms. So presumably there’ll be no squabbles about nicking each other’s milk, leaving hairs Clegging – sorry, clogging – up the plughole (well, it’s not as if William’s got much is it?) or getting shirty about paying their share of the rent on time.

There’s plenty of room, presumably, for Cleggie to loudly indulge in his passion for Johnny Cash and William to get the peace and quiet he needs to write his historical biographies. Not that he’ll have much time to do that these days, as more often than not he’ll no doubt be jet-setting around the world practising his secretarial skills.

And in the true coalition spirit of sharing, if and when they do actually reside there together for the odd weekend, at least there’s plenty of space for them to indulge in the odd game of croquet as only deputy prime ministers know how….

• DEPENDING on your viewpoint, all this politics lark can be hugely depressing. But do you want to know how to start each day with a positive outlook? Here’s seven easy steps:

1 Open a new file on your computer. 2 Name it David Cameron. 3 Send it to the recycle bin. 4 Empty the recycle bin. 5 Your computer will ask you: “Do you really want to get rid of David Cameron?” 6 Firmly click “yes”. 7 Feel better?

Good – tomorrow we’ll do George Osborne or, if you prefer, Nick Clegg, Ed Balls, David Miliband or any other politician of your choosing.