Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These notices actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

> The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

> Ladies, don't forget the jumble sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

> Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

> Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

> Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

> A pie and mushy pea supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

> The church will host an evening of, super, entertainment and gracious hostility.

> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

> This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

> The sixth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'