The Da Vinci goad

The Aussies were once the masters, but the latest Ashes encounter has provided the ultimate proof of the dying of those days.

During their period of near-invincibility, they taught a lot to the rest of the world, but then stopped looking to see what the rest of the world did with what it learned.

The Perth Test aside – and it was a daft idea to play one of the Tests in Scotland, anyway – England have been a dream to watch down under.

United, confident, highly-skilled, well-drilled, motivated and ruthless, they exemplified everything Australia once were. Andrew Strauss’ men were a team on a mission. Alastair Cook, Jonathan Trott and James Anderson will probably never play better.

For all England ’s impressiveness, however, just how much of a disaster zone Australia would turn out to be was something I never imagined when I made my Ashes predictions seven weeks ago.

As for what I did imagine…

Graeme Swann will feel the heat

As expected, Australia tried to knock him out of the attack, a strategy which lasted about three balls in Brisbane before they settled for knocking themselves out of the attack. With the seamers having a field day and the home batting resembling a cooling tower being demolished, Swann was cast in the unfamiliar role of peripheral figure. Not a game-breaker, but he didn’t need to be, and a solid performance meant he emerged with his reputation unscathed.

Kevin Pietersen plays his last Test series

Remains to be seen and might seem unlikely, although his self-serving claim that the Ashes triumph was largely down to him falling on his sword as England captain (it was, although not in the way he meant it) probably hasn’t done him any favours in the dressing-room-harmony department. Towering in Adelaide, he was otherwise overshadowed by his batting colleagues and I still can’t help feeling he is not long for the Test world.

Eoin Morgan and Ajmal Shahzad make their mark

Even with Paul Collingwood being a walking dismissal, loyalty and the balance of the side meant Morgan never got a look-in. He would have relished facing the limp Aussie attack, but Collingwood’s Test retirement means his real chance will now come. As for Shahzad, I actually got that one right but I meant to spell his name T-I-M-B-R-E-S-N-A-N.

Stuart Broad will shine

Broad bowled much better than his meagre wicket tally suggests before injury – it’s an Ashes tour so there had to be at least one of those among the England ranks – poleaxed him. But he was barely missed as Bresnan and Chris Tremlett had the time of their lives. Once he recovers, England will have a headache squeezing all their pacemen into the side.

Mitchell Johnson will have another shocker

How can Australia’s leading wicket-taker have had a nightmare? Easy if your name’s Mitchell Johnson. Most of his wickets came in England’s Perth capitulation and even Johnson probably doesn’t have a clue how he took them. Otherwise, he was shakier than North and South Korea’s international relations. Australia needed him to be the life and soul of the party; instead, he spent most of the time in the kitchen.

Mike Hussey survives, Marcus North doesn’t

North was floated as a potential future Test captain before the series, and he has all the credentials apart from being Test-class. He was swiftly elbowed while Hussey, at least in the first three matches, was immense under stifling pressure for his place. But a one-man army was never going to be enough for Australia.

Shane Watson and Jonathan Trott don’t get on

Disappointingly, both were well-behaved, perhaps an indictment of how one-sided the series turned out. The plain-speaking Watson was one of the few Australians to escape with any credit, although he doesn’t have the attrition to be an opening batsman. Trott, meanwhile, was unexpectedly magnificent, making a mockery of the curse of being an England number three.

Australia will win 2-1

Look, I didn’t realise they’re THAT bad, OK?